4 Times You Should Never Apologize
BY BETHANY HEITMAN
There is nothing wrong with apologizing. Quite the opposite, actually. Saying “I’m sorry” can go a long way towards making amends.
Knowing when to apologize is important. Times you should admit wrongdoing include when you’ve hurt someone (intentionally or not), have behaved poorly or judged someone too harshly, broken a promise.
But, here’s the thing: Apologizing when you’ve nothing to be sorry about is not so great. And, unfortunately, research has shown that women are particularly prone to doing this. Wondering why it’s so bad? Over-apologizing or doing it for no reason can make you seem less confident or leave the impression that you have done something wrong. It can also lessen the impact of your apologies when they’re really necessary. Think about it, if you’re saying sorry when you don’t need to, how will people know you’re sincere when it is called for? Plus, as JW says, your life is how you spend it—so, you can spend it apologizing and doubting yourself or sink your teeth into what you actually want!
Here, four things you should never, ever apologize for.
Photo by Oleg Ivanov
Other People’s Poor Behavior
Say your spouse puts their foot in their mouth or your sister does something that’s just not cool. It’s tempting to apologize on their behalf. But their crappy behavior has nothing to do with you and it is not your job to make up for it.
Similarly, if someone bumps into you, you may instinctively say, “Oops, sorry.” You’re so taken off guard, it just slips out. And, while this is hard to rectify because it’s such an automatic response, it’s a good idea to try and curb it. The first step to doing that? Just notice when you do it. Being more aware of this habit can actually go a long way towards helping you be more mindful about all the times you unnecessarily apologize.
Asking A Question
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking a question. So, stop apologizing for doing so! You may not even realize you’re doing it. Next time you’re in a meeting pay attention. Do you say things like, “Sorry, can you just go back to that last point?” Another common scenario you may unnecessarily apologize: When you ask a clerk at the store for help (“I’m sorry, do you know what aisle the cereal is in?”).
We often do this because we feel insecure and worry that people will judge us. But if people do judge you for asking a question, that has to do with their insecurities—not yours.
Rather than starting with an apology, just say something like “Can you explain that further” or “Can you please tell me where to find this item?”
Your Feelings
There’s no doubt about it, expressing your feelings can be uncomfortable and scary. Because of this, it’s not uncommon for people to say things like “I’m sorry, I’m just feeling sad” or “Sorry, it just hurt my feelings.”
But when you do this, you are minimizing yourself—and that’s just not okay. Remember, you have every right to feel your feelings and do not owe anyone an explanation.
The one exception to this rule: If you lash out in anger at someone else. While anger is a perfectly normal thing to feel, it’s not okay to unjustly direct it at someone else.
Your Appearance
Picture this: You didn’t sleep so great and wake with bags under your eyes. Feeling a little insecure, you walk into a work meeting and immediately say, “Sorry, I look like a wreck—I got no sleep.” Or maybe you show up to a party and realize you’re slightly underdressed. So, anytime you meet someone new, you say, “I’m so sorry that I look like such a slob—I misread the invite.”
You’re likely apologizing in these scenarios because you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious and want to point out what you’re sure other people are noticing before they can. But think about that for a minute: Do you think people really mind if you look a little tired or aren’t wearing fancy clothes? Chances are they haven’t even noticed and by pointing it out, you’re just drawing attention to whatever you’re not feeling great about.
Haven’t lost that baby weight? It’s no one else’s business. Having trouble getting to the gym? No one else needs to know that. In other words, there is absolutely no need to atone for your appearance—ever!
Bethany Heitman, Contributor