Creating A Space For Change
BY RACHEL BALKOVEC
(part two)
You’re changing right now. Yes, right now. Whether you know it or not, millions of inputs a month from TV, friends, social media, podcasts, etc, are influencing your words, thoughts and actions. Don’t believe me? Didn’t you just switch to a middle part and Mom jeans? Yeah. You can’t help it. You ARE changing.
Everyone shifts and adapts their beliefs and values over time (even if it’s just jean preference).
Usually your thoughts change first and your actions follow. For example, maybe you’re starting to think about joining a gym. You follow a couple of fitness accounts and Google “gyms in my area” on your computer. You visit the gym to do a trial, and sign up. Then, before you know it, Instagram is showing you fitness clothing and supplement ads. You Google a supplement to learn more about it, and end up purchasing it. Then, when you’re at the gym, you make a few friends there and create a workout group text where you share links to programs and exercises. You sign up for the charity 5k the gym is hosting and their ugly Christmas sweater party.
Before you know it – you’ve developed a habit, new friends and new time commitments. This snowballs quickly when you factor in Instagram’s and Google’s powerful algorithms that seem to know your every move and thought!
So. You’ve made these new friends at the gym and they like to hike, read and go to the farmer’s market on the weekend. But, you still have your old friends.
Your old friends like to do happy hour, go to all-night birthday bashes and watch football every weekend with a table full of bad food. – What to do?
At first – you try to do it all. Sure! You can go out on Friday night, run the 5k at 9am the next morning, go to a birthday bash that afternoon/evening, make it to the end of the Christmas party at your gym and then watch football on Sunday! Easy peasy!
(Obviously this is NOT easy.)
Two things are pulling at your time. Frankly, the old habits are keeping you from going all-in on the new habits. What happens next is in your control, but you don’t think it is. Usually, people continue trying to do both things until eventually they are tired of running 5ks hung over and they stop going to the parties. Then, the old friends get upset and usually it’s an ugly break up.
But why does it have to be this way?
I’ve had the fortunate and rare experience of moving 15 times starting at age 19. That means that I get a natural option to leave things behind. Clothes, books, and yes friendships that no longer serve a purpose are naturally left behind. I think the reason why I am so passionate about this topic is because I’ve seen the incredibly positive impact it has had on my life. The best part is, there are no hard feelings. These relationships naturally fall away like leaves falling from a tree in October.
Photo by Rommel Davila
However, if you’re not a nomadic gypsy like me, this can be a bit more difficult. I hear similar stories all the time from the women that I mentor (and friends of course!). While the mentorship is focused on career, I first help them recognize things outside of their resume and cover letter that could be holding them back. Here is what it usually boils down to:
Key reasons why we don’t want to give ourselves permission to leave a job/friend/significant other:
You’re worried about what other people will think when you stop posting pictures of your significant other. You just posted a picture of your white picket fence and people will know if you’re not together!
You’re the gritty hard nosed ‘doer’ and you don’t quit anything! You didn’t quit 2nd grade soccer and you’re not going to quit this marriage!
It was once your dream – and your identity! And it no longer is because you’ve become a different person, but you keep reflecting on the time when you wanted this job so badly.
What will I do when I let go of this? I need something to go to! (You don’t 😉)
This person/company is counting on me! Who will hold their hair back when they are puking and be their shoulder to cry on the next time they break up with yet another toxic boyfriend/girlfriend?!
Here are some things to think about that could really shift those perspectives:
You’re worried what other people will think: Well honey. I hate to tell you this, but they are thinking it whether you post that Christmas picture of you two and your cute dog or not. Maybe you can fool some casual onlookers, but the real ones know. Your family and friends aren’t fooled. And ask yourself, are you really concerned with the casual onlookers anyway?
Not convinced? I make lots of mistakes that are harshly criticized. I mean. I’m a high powered woman in a male dominated industry. Duh. I remind myself (sometimes daily, or on a minute to minute basis), that everyone is likely going through something. But not everything is public. If you’ve made your BIG JOB or AWESOME BOYFRIEND public, you’re then going to subject yourself to complete strangers making suggestions, comments and, yes, judgements. Yet again, the people close to you will understand why you’re making a decision to change. If they don’t understand, they don’t know you and if they don’t know you, they don’t have influence on your decisions or the emotions that go along with that. Period, end of story, Amen.
You don’t quit anything: I used to think that I had to finish EVERYTHING! My sets at the gym, the book that I started and hated in chapter 2, my ex boyfriend who was perfect for me in college and then wasn’t after college and a long list of other things.
My perspective now is that leaving, quitting and giving up takes self awareness and strength. Sometimes more than staying! In 2018 at age 30, I quit my job with the reigning world champions and went back to school. That took some major cojones (as we say in baseball). I was giving up a steady, well paid, publicly dazzling job (that I hated) for the complete unknown.
What happened after that?
My career was phenomenally catapulted into the stratosphere. I moved to Europe for a year, did groundbreaking research in hitting, was hired by the most recognizable sports brand in the world next to the Dallas Cowboys, got a raise and oh, made history again. NBD. If I hadn’t left my old job to make room…where would I be? Still hating my stable job? No thanks.
I’m a quitter. And I’m proud of it. This is just one example of when I have ‘quit’ something that looked good to many onlookers.
This was what you wanted so badly: Keep in mind that you’re always changing. And it’s OK to change your actions along with your mental and emotional changes. When you wanted this job/person/friendship so badly, you were also signing up for Facebook for the first time and plucking your eyebrows out of existence. You have changed! Your wants and needs have changed.
A college teammate of mine is considering leaving her career that she has built over the past 10 years to be a stay at home Mom for a few years while her little ones go through the ‘cute’ stages. – She’s terrified. Give up her career? She worked so hard for that! She wanted it so badly! And it’s a good career. But, she’s miserable. The hour commute that was once worth it is now just 2 hours a day that she’s missing out at home. She doesn’t like her boss, the work she’s doing or the people she’s doing it for.
It’s time to go. Your old self will forgive your new self.
You need something lined up: Pressure makes you creative. When someone says they “can’t find a job” I wonder if it’s because they’re not desperate. It’s amazing how much free time you’ll have to hunt for and apply for jobs once you put in your two weeks.
Beyond the literal time you’ll have, you’ll also create more mental space to think about what you want and how you can get it once you stop worrying about the inbox you don’t care about.
This person is counting on you: Ask yourself if you are in a co-committed relationship or a co-dependent relationship. In a co-committed relationship, both of you are making time for each other, contributing positively to the situation and adding value to the other person. Maybe not at the same time, but over a long period of time, this is true.
For example, it’s no secret that the pandemic crushed sports. I was furloughed for 4 months. If I was just looking at those 4 months, it would seem as if my company abandoned me. However, if I zoom out (no pandemic pun intended), the team has been extremely supportive and helpful to me. I learned an incredible amount even during the pandemic year and over the past season. Over a long period of time, it’s a co-committed relationship.
If you’re the only person putting in work, contributing to the situation over several years, it’s time to move on. If the other person/entity is “dependent” on you, and isn’t giving back, it’s time to reconsider if this is the best situation for both of you. (*I got the term ‘co-committed’ from Mike Cazayoux, but I can’t remember where he got it).
I hope that this read makes you more open to the idea that giving up isn’t such a bad option after all, and it could be the most badass thing you’ve done all year.
-Rachel Balkovec, Platfor(u)m Submission
P.S. Remember that no matter what you're going through right now, you don't have to do it alone! There are others like you in our community, where we interact on a daily basis, fight our demons, share our victories, and watch over each other as friends and accountability partners.
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