Get In A Health Groove With Your Partner
BY BETHANY HEITMAN
Having a partner who supports your health goals can be hugely helpful. There’s even research that backs this up. When we workout with a loved one, we tend to put in more effort. And, when people around us make smart nutrition choices, it influences us to do the same.
But what if you and your partner just aren’t on the same page?? That can be tough. And Even small differences can be challenging. Elisa, 43, knows just how true this can be. “I’ve asked my husband so many times to keep sweets out of the house. I find that I have no willpower around them and if there’s a pint of ice cream, I’ll inhale it all in one sitting,” she shares. “But e’s someone whocan just have a spoonful and then forget there’s even ice cream in the fridge for a week. He doesn’t see why he should have to go without, when I’m the one with the willpower issue.”
Elisa’s situation isn’t uncommon—though it may show up in different ways. “The thing I struggle with is exercise. I’ve asked my girlfriend to start a regular running routine with me because I know it would help motivate me,” says Candice, 35. “But she’s more of a spin person and doesn’t want to give up her routine to accommodate mine. I get it. It’s just frustrating.”
Unfortunately, being out of whack on health priorities can lead to bickering or feeling disconnected.. To help you get on the same page, we’ve outlined some simple dos and don’ts:
Photo by Toa Heftiba
Do: Express Your Needs
When we have been with someone for a while, we have a tendency to expect them to be able to read our minds. Maybe you’ve given up alcohol for the month and expect them to follow suit when they hear you’re doing it. But if you never actually tell them what it would mean to you if they joined you in a dry month, you can’t expect them to know it.
If you can remember that no one is a mind reader (not even the love of your life!), it will go a long way towards helping you communicate the exact kind of support you need to live as healthfully as possible.
Another reminder: It may not be fully fair to expect someone else to live fully on your terms. So, compromising is super important. Say you’re giving up alcohol for the month. If your partner really doesn’t want to, perhaps you agree that no booze will be kept in the house—but that they can go out and meet a pal for a drink if they’d like.
Don’t: Criticize Them
Do you react well when someone nags or criticizes you? We didn’t think so. So, chances are your partner won’t either. As frustrating as it can be when they’re making poor health choices or are not supporting you, playing bad cop rarely works.
Rather than pointing out that they shouldn’t be going back for seconds or venting at them when they refuse to join you at the gym,, try to summon as much understanding and compassion as possible.
To start, try ignoring their not-so-great habits and praise them when they do something well. Saying things like, “Wow, you’ve been so good about drinking water—you inspire me!” Or try, “I’m so jealous of the muscle definition in your biceps—maybe you could show me a few arm workouts?”
By focusing on the positive and pointing out how you’d like to emulate them, it boosts their confidence and makes them see you as a teammate rather than a foe.
Find that you need them to do something they’re not to support you? Appeal to the emotion. Rather than yelling at them for buying ice cream again, gently say, “I know you love ice cream, but I’m really struggling and trying to avoid sugar. Would you mind if we skip the ice cream for a few weeks or at least buy a lighter version.” Being vulnerable will help your partner hear your true needs. Plus, by not making it a forever thing, they’re more likely to give it a shot.
Do: Bring In Additional Help
Tired of trying to convince your partner to go for a run with you or stick to a low-carb diet? We can’t blame you. At a certain point, you may just need to stop asking. But rather than completely giving up, try bringing in a third party.
Consider hiring a personal trainer or nutritionist to work with you both. Or, rather than droning on and on about the benefits of eliminating carbs, find a book that explains the science behind it and leave it on the coffee table.
Sometimes a neutral third party can make your partner hear things that you can’t. One option: You could both download a workout or nutrition app and agree to follow it. JW weighed in by saying, “I have seen many relationships have success when they utilized a trainer to be the point of contact for coaching feedback. A trainer presents a neutral learning environment that is also often more effective.”
Photo by Apostolos Vamvouras
Don’t: Completely Write Them Off
If you’ve tried all of this and it’s still not working, back off. It doesn’t mean they’ll never get on the same page as you, it just means they’re not ready. “Each person’s readiness is so unique to themselves because it is deeply tied to a person’s emotions. Whether it’s an old fear or a new doubt, be gentle with your partner and offer support in investigating their resistance without getting too pushy,” JW suggests.
Another thing to keep in mind: Change doesn’t happen overnight. If you’re hoping your household can eat more green veggies, don’t give up if your partner doesn’t go all in on the first salad you make. New habits take time to develop. Keep chipping away and trying new things. Eventually, if you are setting a good example, chances are good that your partner will come around. That’s because people tend to mimic what they see. So if you are living your best, healthiest life, there’s a good chance your partner may start to follow suit.
Bethany Heitman, Contributor