The Therapy That Healed My PPD
BY ELIZABETH BERROCAL, PhD, LPC, NCC
It started with the complicated birth.
As I laid on the operating table, with tears flowing down my cheeks in anticipation of meeting my first baby, all I could hear was the beeping of the machines going off manically. When the doctor finally put her in my arms, her cries stopped immediately as she recognized me when we were skin to skin, both of us shocked at the energetic jolt of love and connection. At that moment, in a room full of people, it was only her and me.
What seemed like just a few moments later, and through the haze of beeping noises and voices, I heard someone say, “check the baby”. In that instant, she was suddenly taken from me, going straight into the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) without much explanation. It turned out my baby was born with low glucose levels, or neonatal hypoglycemia due to my undiagnosed and untreated late onset of gestational diabetes. At that time, I only noticed my baby was unusually big for a newborn, and I could only rely on the information that was given to me via the nurses. I distinctly recall them trying to “soften” the description of her illness upon birth, but it left me with feelings of intense fear and confusion on what was really happening with her, and why they had taken her so suddenly from me. The nurses tried their best to comfort me, telling me they would bring her to me after being checked. The following weeks were a mixture of excruciating pain from my surgery and the longing to be with my baby as she stayed in the NICU.
Photo by Stefano Pollio
When we finally brought her home, the depth of my depression was unbearable. I was constantly in between crying spells and severe panic attacks; and they would come suddenly and without any particular reason. Being with my baby was the only time I felt relieved, but if I put her down for just a second, fear and anxiety would once again take over. I was truly traumatized with all we had experienced, and I was hoping her arrival home would make the emotional pain go away. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months as we began to bond as a family. The caveat was that I suddenly refused to step foot outside of my home, and I didn’t allow anyone to come in. My parents and in-laws were “allowed” to visit, first having to show proof of all necessary vaccinations needed to be close to my newborn. I shunned all of my friends, and the only contact with the outside world was my husband going to the neighborhood grocery store. I became hyper vigilant about checking my baby throughout the night, with rushes of adrenaline running through my body whenever she so much as whimpered.
My education had taught me this was classic postpartum depression, but all of that became meaningless when it concerned my child and me. I suffered no aversions to her, the classic and most commonly presented symptom. Rather, I became obsessive with her, anxiously watching her every movement—my nervous system was on overdrive with extreme anxiety and unrealistic fears that she would “get sick again” if we were to leave my home or have anyone close to her aside from me or my husband. I was unable to sleep when she slept, as I was constantly watching her breathing, and panicking when someone other than me was holding her. Although he tried his hardest, my husband simply could not understand what I was going through, and my patience was limited in my explanations to him, which caused me to constantly lash out at him or just shut him down completely. I felt devastatingly alone.
The loss of control I felt during the birthing process, and the trauma in its aftermath, had spiraled me into a person I no longer recognized.
It took a very good friend (who also happens to be a therapist) to stand outside ringing my doorbell, promising not to leave until I answered, to gently remind me that I needed to seek outside help in order to deal with my emotional and mental health. I knew I needed to treat the root cause of my trauma, and not just be treated symptomatically. I needed to re-learn how to be a functioning person before the traumatic birth experience, not only going back to who “I used to be”, but to also learn from all that I had been through. It was through my online research that I was introduced to EMDR therapy, which I can attest to single handedly changing my life–not only with my trauma-induced depression and anxiety, but with my future journey of motherhood and the profession I pursued as a result.
As with all things good, I knew the process of EMDR was going to require work, time and consistency.
As a practicing mental health professional, I understood that the act of self growth and transition is an uncomfortable and even painful journey, but I was comforted by the fact that I knew change was necessary in order to be the best possible version of myself.
I was afraid to uncover past traumas and unresolved situations I had buried deep within as I functioned daily in all other aspects of my life. I kept asking myself if I was really ready to embark on this journey, and I realized I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter if I wanted to overcome this depression and heal. Luckily, I was able to find a therapist who helped guide me through the EMDR process. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is a therapy that consists of bilateral stimulation via eye movements, recalling distressing and traumatic experiences in a safe and measured way with a trained therapist in EMDR. EMDR therapists believe there are “touch stone memories” that are triggered with new/future incidents, and are stored in the same memory channels. EMDR helps with these memories that lay the foundation for the current presenting issue or problem, being both different but connected memories. Although intense, it worked, and in the process of addressing my postpartum trauma, I noticed that it helped immensely with my aviophobia (fear of flying). It was clear that control, or lack thereof, and certain aspects of my past in my present life, had been a major impending issue which I hadn’t even recognized until it was forced upon me. My bout with postpartum depression was a blessing in disguise.
It was through this experience that I decided women needed unconditional support, specifically tailored to our mental health, which differs greatly from men. I also became so convinced by my results from EMDR that I went on to study and specialize in this type of therapy. I’m a firm believer in and a walking testament to the fact that pain, channeled through purpose and meaning, can positively catapult us in ways and directions which lead us to higher growth and transition.
–Elizabeth Berrocal, 42, Platfor(u)m Contributor
P.S. Remember that no matter what you're going through right now, you don't have to do it alone! There are others like you in our community, where we interact on a daily basis, fight our demons, share our victories, and watch over each other as friends and accountability partners.
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